Christmastime, the season for giving. During this time of year, everyone is out shopping for gifts to give to their loved ones. People stress out over finding the perfect gift to give to each person. And then we all get excited about what we find under the tree. But the real gift comes from watching your loved ones open up that special hand-picked gift you got for them.

Although giving gifts to my family is fun, and I get a warm feeling inside when they open them, for me, I get more out of giving to those that are in greater need than myself, or even my family. I find that to give me a satsifying feeling. My family usually fills Letters to Santa through the high school and knowing that children that normally wouldn't be recieveing gifts are going to be getting a gift this Christmas is what brings me the greatest joy.

I love this season! I could do without the snow (except on Christmas day), but I love the holiday! Thankfullness. Hope. Joy. Giving. And in turn, LOVE!!! Merry Christmas!!!

Joy

I do not know if there is a greater emotion than pure joy. And at the same time, I do not believe that pure joy lasts long. Instead it comes in spirts. It swoops in, overtakes our body, and then quickly leaves. Yet in those moments, when pure joy can be felt, it is overwhelming; it is breathtaking. I feel that as we get older, those moments of pure joy deplete, because we our image of the world get clouded. There is always outside factors that take away from our ability to experience that feeling. What I believe is so fantastic about the Christmas season is that it allows everyone to step out of their own life, if only for a moment, and be a child again. And in doing so, we again get to experience the feeling of pure joy, as children so often do. This is what I look most foreward to, during this season. The magic and the joy that comes along. My hope for this Christmas is that we all get to experience pure joy, as children do. Or for those that have children, that watching your children experience pure joy, brings you pure joy as well. God Bless!

Hope

Hope...a glorious feeling it can be. Often times around this time of year, it is the story of Jesus and his birth that bring hope to the world. Although this is still true, for me, hope is also taking a new meaning. As I have shared this past year has not been a fantastic one, and I am definately ready for it to be over. And to top it all off, my mom and brother got in a car accident today. Just the cherry on top of an already horrible year. They are both completely fine, but I find myself mad, furious really, for the situation. I know everything happens for a reason, that everything is in God's plan for our life. So in this season, I find myself relying on hope...for the future. Hope that God will show me the lesson, will make me aware of the reason for why everything this year has gone awry. It is my hope that next year will be a better one, God willing. Or even in the case that it is not, it is my hope that God will use my experiences to better those around me and to make a difference in this world, or at least in the lives of others.

Thankfulness

The Christmas season is upon us, with Christmas just around the corner. I am in awe of how quickly it arrived. Labored it was, but it is here, faster than I could have imagined. With this time of year comes a state of mind, at least for me, of giving, hope, joy, and thankfulness. Obviously this state of mind has had me questioning myself alot recently, especially tonight. The next few posts I would like to center around these four characteristics for I feel they hold much importance, not only to the season, but in life. I will begin with thankfulness, for it has been on my heart tonight.

In September, or maybe it was October, I wrote a piece (not on here) about being ready for the year to be over. I was done with 2010. I did not know how I was going to make it through the months still ahead. By September, I had already endured a transfer of schools, a horrible semester with a frustrating professor, the unexpected death of my aunt, a couple of interesting family trips, an eventful week with one of my best friends which almost had me being admitted to the hospital, the death of my cousin, a horrendous two weeks of being terribly sick, the start of a new semester of classes, and at the time I was starting to get sick again. I have never been as emotionally unpredictable in my life, as I have been in the last year. God has pressed me to my wicks end many times. I am not going to say that I enjoyed this year and that I would want to do it over again, but I will say that I grew immensely in many different ways. These experiences have strengthened and deepened my relationship with God; they have provided me with a greater knowledge about the field I am going into; and they have taught be how to be more proactive in my own life. For that I am thankful.


I am also eternally greatful and thankful for my mom. There is no way I could ever repay her for everything she has done for me in my life. She is the reason I am still living today! Some know, many do not, but during my junior year of high school I dealt with a severe bout of depression. I doubted everything that had to do with God (though I was pretty good at hiding it) and I often felt like suidcide was a viable option. It was only my mom's strength and dedication to getting me through the rough patch that saved my life. She sat down with me every single day, without fail, to talk, to make sure I was okay. Words cannot ever express how greatful I am for her love and strength.



So, in this season of good cheer, that I what I am most thankful for.

My momma and me

Why do I search for meaning?

Lately I find myself looking for the meaning in everything. Maybe it is because I am going through a phase of my life where I am supposed to be critically analyzing everything. However, I don't feel that is why. Ultimately, I belive I am searching for purpose of my life. I have always been known as the Queen of Why. When I was little, well I guess not just little, but younger, I would always ask why. If someone asked me to do something or told me something, I would no doubt ask why. Curiosity...it controlled me. Or at least I thought it did. Now I am not so sure. I wonder if it was more than just curiosity. I wonder if it wasn't just a longing for meaning.

Everything in this world has meaning, even if it is hidden. Some people just don't care to know or even discover the meaning to the things in their life. I, on the other hand, search for the meaning in everything. I think this is also where my disappointment comes from. I get upset or stressed when I can't figure out the meaning, I shut down. Some people like not knowing, some people like the mystery...I, however, am NOT one of those people.

I believe that is why I like, and prefer, having deep conversations with people. Because through those conversations you get to know the person. You discover their meaning. I get concerned with sketchy people because you don't know their meaning. And not knowing, or at least having an idea of a person's meaning, causes me unease.

Do you ever search for meaning? When analyzing life, where are you? Is there a specific spot that calms you? I know there is for me. Think about it. What is yours?

Death. What is the lesson?

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Morbid...I know. Well, at least slightly. The thoughts are more so in regards to why death seems to be an ever constant theme in my life. What is God wanting to teach me? This question being the root of my processing. I cannot figure it out for the life of me. Why, at only 21 years old, have I had to deal with so much death? I understand that I will always deal with death, I get that it is a part of life; everyone is born and everyone dies. However, why does it feel like the people around me are dropping like flies?

Why God? What is the purpose? What am I supposed to learn? Can you enlighten me sometime soon?

I seriously feel like I am not going to be able to take the pain much longer. I need a break...and a long enough one to heal from the years of pain I have already endured.

Death. The concept overall is exciting! Who doesn't want to spend eternity with the creator, Father, the one being that loves endlessly and regardless of any faults? In a twisted way, it is something we all look foreward to, yet fear at the same time.

Death. Please explain your lesson Lord, I would really like to apply it to my life!

Life is Short...Love Yourself!

Recently I have been doing alot of thinking. Yes, I know, we all think, all the time. But I am not just talking about any general sort of thinking. I have really been thinking, deep thinking, not only about how I view myself, but the world around me. It is truly amazing what one can discover when they take the time to think. You meet yourself, on a whole differernt level than you ever thought possible. And you know what I have realized? I love me! I don't mean that in a conceded way, but I love who I am, I couldn't be happier, with me! I am a kind and caring person who loves the Lord with all of my heart. I am understanding of those different from me, and I love everyone regardless of how awfully they may treat me. I love knowing people to the depths of their core, becaues the soul of a person shows their uniqueness, the soul of a person is what truly makes them beautiful!

In no way am I trying to say that I am perfect, because I am not perfect, no one is. I have my struggles and my insecurities, however, if I am not accepting of the person I am, I don't know how anyone else is ever going to be accepting of me. I have battled depression for a good part of my life and although I know I will continue to deal with that struggle within myself, I need these moments, the ones that I am not beating myself up. I need them to remind me in my moments of darkness that I am a person worth knowing, I am a person worth loveing, I am a person who has a purpose for living!

It is my opinion that the world has some pretty messed up standards or ideals of how women are supposed to be. I don't think there are many woment out there who believe that they meet the standards this world has set, myself included. However, over the course of the last few days, I have realized that although I will never meet them, just being me is okay too. This all goes back to that issue of trust in God that I have talked a lot about. I need to trust that God made me the way I am for a purpose, regardless of whether the world believes that I live up to a list of ideals. In a little book I keep at my desk called Believe in Yourself, there is a quote that says "Self-acceptance gives you the much-needed energy and freedom to grow". I have never believed that more, than what I do right at this very moment. I am beginning to flourish, just from finally deciding that I love me!

As a final note, I wanted to share a couple of posters that I keep hung up in my room. I found them both at a Christian bookstore and I love them! The one is about belief systems and the other about being yourself.

The first says:

I believe life is more than survival.
I believe the heart is more than a muscle.
I believe we can know right from wrong.
I believe in hope and freedom.
I believe my life can make a difference.
I believe the message of the cross.
What do you believe?

I would like to challenge you in just that...what do you believe? Not only what is your belief system, but do you believe in yourself? Do you love yourself?

The second says:

I'm not a perfect girl.
My hair doesn't always stay in place
I spill things a lot
I'm pretty clumsy
Sometimes I have a broken heart
My friends and I sometimes fight
Maybe some days nothin' goes right
But when I think about it & take a step back
I remember how AMAZING life truly is
And through all my imperfections...
GOD STILL LOVES ME

No one is perfect! But we all need to learn to love the person that we are!

I and Love and You,

Diana

It has been awhile...

My oh my...is it seriously July already? I can't believe it! Time really does fly by! This is also made blatantly apparent by my lack of posting in a few months. Alot has happened since I last posted. As most of you know, my aunt passed away on April 29. I spent alot of time in the hospital with my family the week she was there. My aunt had an incredible passion for the Lord that was truly inspiring. I know for a fact that she is having a blast hanging out with God up in Heaven and I am excited for the day that I get to join them.

I must be honest for a minute. Although I have no doubts of where my aunt is and how much fun she is having, I must admit that her death emplodes a part of me I don't fancy much. I struggle to understand why God has taken so many people from me in my lifetime. I realize that people live and people die. I realize that during my entire life I will lose people. But seriously, I don't understand why, for about 12 year of my life, I had to lose one person every year. I am only 20, that is more than half of my life! Why God? That leaves no time for closure!

I recently took a trip down to Austin/San Antonio, Texas with my family. I have never had so much BBQ and Tex-Mex in my life. I never thought I would get sick of either, but by the time I got home I was ready to not eat either for a very long time. Which now that I think about it, it has been about a week and a half, and I haven't eaten either. If I think about it, I will post some pics of our trip later.

It is time I must go! I will try to be better at posting, but no promises!

I and Love and You,

Diana